the daily scream

hello computer :p

it's been a struggle to come back to writing after a year and a half hiatus. i would't even technically consider myself back to it. i'm mostly just shallowly nostalgic for early internet culture and realized recently that i have become, for lack of a better word, kind of fucking stupid. so this is my brain exercise to keep me literate when all i seem to be reading lately is reel captions and prices on a cash register.

i read a 27 page declassified cia document about telekinesis and meditation techniques the other night and only got 4 hours of sleep for work so maybe i can give myself a little credit. what is it about the late late night / early early day that is so addictive. i am unmedicated adhd until the hours of 2-4am every night, then suddenly i am a scholar and a sauvant on a fuck ton of adderall. and then the second the sun  really rises i am yawning like a baby. like the light triggers my brain to sleep. wtf even is that? sometimes i wish i was a vampire and then i just have an excuse to be like that. instead humans are expected to follow one sleep schedule and smile and look awake and then die. as if. 

have been doing social study. every time i go to work without makeup on someone tells me i look sick or tired. at first i just thought it was a coincidence, or maybe the fact i am quite often sick and fckin tired, but even on days i felt great and masc realness i would get a comment. i started keeping track and genuinely it has been every single time without fail for maybe 2 months. i cannot tell if i look genuinely sickly or if everyones being slightly rude asf. i've always kinda known im a lil ugly, which i enjoy because really truly beautiful people are kind of uncanny valley for me. but i really don't think i've looked fucking sick every time. i've been trying to take it as a compliment to my makeup skillz because i did not slave away to overcomplicated makeup tutorials in the 9th grade for nothing. and i wil never get the braincells i burned watching jeffree star back ever again. sometimes i feel burdened by it because truth be told in customer service people are rude as fuck if you are not pretty. i get treated pretty differently with makeup then i do without. in a perfect world i wouldnt have to smear shit on my face every day to be treated normally 0.o. especially with dysphoria, as much as i do often enjoy presenting more feminine and doing my makeup and all that jazz. but it does feel like another uniform. despite that its still comforting to have access to two faces sometimes. one i can keep to myself and one i can give to others. 

live blog update!! this just in i can hear the train going by

been watching a lot of vanderpump rules and it honestly pisses me off enough i forget about my actual Horrors and Hauntings. realizing i cannot watch tv shows unless everyone is a terrible person otherwise i feel too bad when bad things happen to them that i get stressed in my real life. i probably spent more time taking mental health breaks from breaking bad than i spent watching the show. 

i think thats all ive got okie byyeeee o-[0 uuu 0]-o

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song: who am i going to share all of this wine with? - the garden 

smell: amaretto in the melting room - toskovat'

affirmation: i am spiritually 6'5